I want to do nothing today but lay in bed with the covers over my head where I feel safe and secure. Life is insane at the moment. Insane. I'm not sure how much more I can handle.
http://searchwarp.com/swa474040-Is-Resentment-Destroying-Your-Marriage.html
I have other stuff I should be doing right now. But I made the mistake of turning on my computer when I got home. Then I re-read Dabysan's excellent post about getting married this weekend. Then I started thinking about my toast, which I thought I had completed last night. Then I started going back through some - okay, most - of our posts about Karaoke to the Death. Then I started listening to the audio from past years. Then I started thinking about how great all my friends are, and how much I'm looking forward to this fantastic celebration on Saturday - despite the fact that I have to give a toast, which I definitely don't want to do.
I have other stuff I should be doing right now, but you're going to have a hard time convincing me I wasted my evening.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Suck it, Phillies.
PS. Jerry Hairston, Jr. got into the game last night. Is that why the Yanks won? I'm saying yes. Thanks, M-----l. Jerry is good luck.
I haven't been a regular blogger.... but I'm going to give it a go again. I need a place to get my thoughts out in black and white. Somewhere that is only mine.... and my friends.... and family..... which often are the same thing.
I can't stand to know that someone genuinely dislikes me. I really can't. I can't let it go. I want to prove to them that whatever perception they have of me, is wrong... is warped... is unfair.... and obviously there's one person I have in mind right now. I can understand her disdain for me. I truly can, but at some point.... why is she letting her hatred of run HER life.... and her children's.... and her boyfriend's..... Hate can truly eat away at your soul if you let it. It's obviously all consuming. Punishing LOML for loving me... financially, emotionally - does that make her feel better? Does she think if he has no money, I will leave him? If she knew me, she'd know better. If it's something I believe in, nothing's going to pull me away. I get what I want. It may not be through the easiest path.... and I might not get it on my timeline, but it happens. I want my own happiness, so i create it.
I'm trying very hard to let it go and trust that time will heal all wounds. That some day she'll at least accept me for who I am, not what she thinks I've done. It's hard though to have that negative energy out there. And brought up in your face so often. She's unavoidable, for the rest of my life she will be, or at least for the next 13-17 years.
I cannot let her consume me. I can't let her hatred and bitterness cause me to be filled with those emotions. I can understand her pain. I can understand that it's hard to overcome it. It's hard to accept changes life throws at you at a moment's notice. It's hard to have your world turned upside down. I wish like hell I could help her get through it all... get through the pain she's feeling, but I suppose it's not my job.... not my place since obviously I'm a part of the reason for that pain. Do unto others.... I'm no saint, but if I were so miserable, bitter and resentful.... i think ultimately I would appreciate a friend that could lift me up out of that negativity and help me on a path to a happier life. Not a facade. a real happy existence, in public and in private.
I've been undecided in my belief in God for some time, but it's times like these, when you're tested to no end, that I have to believe that there is a higher power..... that this is all for SOMETHING. I don't know.... but God, if you're there, a little guidance would be appreciated.
Jeez, I'm only one day into this "no pictures, no video" thing and I'm already being tested. The discovery on Youtube of the infomercial for the Weezer Snuggie is not helping. Must.... not.... link....
A couple of days ago, we glanced over to the left there and noticed that we're on pace for 2009 to be our most prolific year as a blogger. That surprised the hell out of us. It had seemed to us that the month that just ended was a microcosm of our output this year as a whole. But about the same time we decided we were being a little too self-critical, we remembered that late January and early February saw a flurry of "posts" from Tampa which inflate the overall number. All told, we have literally phoned in nearly forty posts so far this year, and all but a handful of them are just a photo with no explanation. There's no denying it - 2009 has been the laziest year in the short history of hotrod.vox.com.
So in an effort to rectify this, for the entire month of November we're going to focus on quality over quantity. We won't be posting any photos or videos. We're going to rely solely on our words. (Frankly, this strikes us as a more appropriate way of commemorating National Blog Posting Month than posting daily, for what it's worth.) And no, we don't have any idea of how this is going to play out. We hope that we might find something to say in the next four weeks (besides this introductory post) that doesn't require a visual crutch. Lord knows, we've still got stories to tell. Maybe we'll even get to the tale of how we got our nickname....
I think I only read three books in all of October. That's damn near shameful. I will, however, blame my writing class on this. Where usually we read a majority of 12-18ish page short stories, this time around we're being bombarded by 6,000 word 28-page novel beginnings. It's been hell. Not just the sheer amount of words to read, but only a few of the novel chapters have been worth my time. In fact, one novel start was so offensive that the class was actually angry. Of course the complete lack of punctuation didn't help matters. It just goes to show you, domestic violence is not an issue you can make funny, right up there with rape, child molestation, and genocide. None of these things are funny. Let it be known.
On with the show.
BOOK ACQUIRED
Swimming Inside the Sun by David Zweig
Chronic City by Jonathan Lethem
Totally Killer by Greg Olear
Last Night in Twisted River by John Irving
BOOKS READ
Await Your Reply by Dan Chaon: This novel about identity, identity theft, the Internet, brotherhood, and more is probably going to make my top 10 best books of 2009 -- will blow your mind.
American Born Chinese by Gene Luen Yang: Even with an ending that comes off as a little convenient and coincidental, this graphic novel about growing up Chinese in America weaves together three different stories in a way that is sweet and funny.
Andromeda Klein by Frank Portman: A slightly disappointing novel by the author of the the fan-fucking-tastic King Dork is about a skinny weird girl obsessed with the occult and has a tendency to be a bit boring under the weight of all the magic research.
CURRENTLY READING
Every Boat Turns South by J.P. White
The Complete Essex County by Jeff Lemiere (which I actually finished today, but now it's November)
Last Night in Twisted River by John Irving
My heart wasn't in it - not for one single minute. But even though I slacked through most of the month, I'm not about to shirk on the obligatory encore. Rocktober doesn't end until the Old 97's take the stage. Which means that today - finally - our long national nightmare is over.
And so another Rocktober limps to a sad close. Sure, we were mostly disinterested this time around, but it could have been worse. Way worse. We didn't post any shitty songs and our posts didn't require an interpreter to make sense of them. It's comforting to know that no matter how badly we phone it in, Cappy will be there setting the bar low enough that our apathy doesn't matter. So until next year.... Or whatever.
Why do I always think of these things at the last minute? M. & I will be in the city of brotherly love @ a Dead Milkmen show. *shut up, Crankypants*. I know you last saw them in the 80s. Anyways, here's the close-out to another brilliant Rocktober.
